5 Tips on Overcoming Relationship Anxiety

When you're an anxious person, dating can be a daunting task. Especially a new relationship. Within the first few months, there are several things that can cause your mind to race and your anxiety to spike.

How will we handle our first fight? 
What if they see how bad my anxiety is and leave? 
How will I get used to a new person's way of coping with emotion? 
What if they leave the bathroom door open and my dog gets into the trash? 
(Okay, that last one is just for me personally. My boyfriend will read this, you know what you do).

Having anxiety is hard enough – balancing that with being in a relationship is even harder. For me personally, it's been an amazing learning experience where I've even been taught some things I didn't know I needed. Here are some tips I've learned along the way in coupledom that will keep the anxiety at bay so you can focus on the important things like love, laughter and burritos.

Be clear about your plans 

With my anxiety, change can be difficult to manage. Particularly sudden changes in plans. It doesn't help when your boyfriend is not so good at the planning. What's the solution? Create a google calendar! It may seem weird, but hear me out. I've found that my anxiety is triggered or spikes when my boyfriend will suddenly spring a change in plans on me last minute. Creating a calendar solves that. My anxiety can't be triggered if I already know the plans for the weekend. As an added bonus, it gives my poorly planning partner more practice at actively writing out his schedule for the week. Two birds, one stone. 

Be patient & understanding 

Getting frustrated or angry never solves anything, especially when you’re dealing with anxiety. That can even lead to shame, which is never the result you want. If your partner is going through an anxiety attack, or even just a small episode, be understanding. Just be there with them in that moment and make them feel safe and heard. 

I’ll give you an example. One day, when my boyfriend and I were just hanging out, I went to walk my dog and saw that his allergies were kicking in and he had this gigantic bloody spot that he wouldn’t stop itching and the entire walk all I saw was that spot and by the time I got back to my place, I was in tears. My boyfriend asked what was wrong and I just started sobbing because one little thought morphed into several ANT’s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and I found myself apologizing over and over again, and instead of being confused, or telling me to “think happy thoughts,” he merely held me and said, “everything is okay, you’re okay” over and over again until I was just that: okay. With his immense patience and understanding, he brought my mind back into reality where everything was just fine, and I was able to battle the thoughts and move on. 

Replace "I'm Sorry" with "Thank you" 

This has been a more recent tip I’ve learned through my constant reading and research on mental health and wellness topics. I stumbled upon a Huffington Post article where the author replaced apologizing, in situations where she had done nothing wrong, with an attitude of gratitude. 

With my boyfriend (and honestly other people I’m close to in my life) I find myself apologizing when I’m anxious or think I’m not good enough, and when I’ll need to vent or just talk, he will make time to call me and ask what’s wrong and I have such a strong urge to immediately say, “I’m sorry for wasting your time,” or “I’m sorry you had to do that.” Instead of saying things like that, express gratitude. Say, “thank you for making time for me.” This not only gives your partner love and appreciation, it makes you more confident in your own voice and what you are feeling. 

Take Time To Self-Care 

When you’re in a new relationship and everything is beautiful and perfect and lovely, you’ll want to spend every second together. I felt that (and sometimes still feel it) with my current dude, but he has taught me that taking time to recharge is really important. Not just for a relationship – for yourself. 

Self-care is something that is necessary for anxiety sufferers, it’s how we bring ourselves back to reality from all the fear-based, negative thoughts that swarm our brains on a daily basis. Because of society expectations (which are usually unrealistic) I’ve always thought that in order to have a good relationship, you were together all the time every minute. But, that’s just not true. It took some adjusting with my anxiety, but when my boyfriend takes a few days to have his own time and space, it’s for him – it actually has nothing to do with me. That’s crucial to remember. Don’t personalize, I know that’s easy to fall into. This is where being clear and communicating your plans and feelings is also important. Because my partner is very good at communicating what he needs and why he does things, I don’t feel like it’s my fault or that he’s not wanting to hang out. Find someone who makes sure you understand that. 

It's important to note – make time for the other people in your life. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean your close friends and family stop wanting to be around you. Look forward to hosting that book club with the ladies, or going out for happy hour with your favorite coworkers. Your partner will still be around – I promise. It's healthy to have your own friends! 

Never Stop Learning From Each Other

This may sound cliche, but it’s so true. When I get out of a therapy session, there are three people I will call or text. My dad, my close friend, and my boyfriend. This is because I want to keep these specific people updated on my constant bouts with anxiety and to share with them the things I’ve learned that week or any realizations. Having a partner (whoever that may be) who is actively interested in knowing more about your anxiety and how to effectively make things better is what you want. 

Another example would be that I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and he asked me what I talked about in therapy that night (ps, you do not have to talk about it if you aren’t comfortable yet, I was) and I said, “are you sure you want to know?” to which he replied, “yeah because the more I know about it, the more I can understand what you go through.” Right there. That’s the kind of person you want in your life. 

Anxiety should not be the reason you can't be in a happy, healthy relationship – you are enough and you deserve happiness. 

Those are my five tips on dealing with relationship anxiety. How do you navigate anxiety within your relationship? 

New Year, More Growth // 2017 Goals

So, it's finally 2017. Some are calling it the year of Trump, or the start of The Hunger Games. Same thing. Personally, this year has started off with some amazing new changes for me. Not only did I make the leap into a new job where I'm writing full time (I'm a newly branded copywriter), but I've been blindsided by other unexpected, yet beautiful new developments.

I've never been one for making New Year's resolutions, because those tend to cause anxiety and trigger a sense of failure – and let's be honest, most are thinly veiled, so I would rather make some goals for the year. Some are things I will continue to conquer, like I do everyday, and some are brand new.

Last year, I made enormous strides with my anxiety. Starting last June, I made the decision to start attending therapy and it's been the greatest decision of my life to date. I was already slightly self-aware going in, but now it's like night and day. Even my therapist has noticed a significant change in the way I've been viewing myself and the situations around me, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I've gone from sobbing when my therapist looked me in the eye and told me, "you are good enough," to confidently telling her in a session that I deeply believe I'm worthy of happiness and love. It's been a seriously long journey, and there's no chance of me giving up now. I will always be a work in progress, but I can't wait to see where life and my new found confidence takes me.

I've received several different compliments this year from people close to me, and not so close to me, that I'm fearlessly myself, regardless of what situation or social setting I'm in. I've always prided myself on this fact, and not only do I plan to continue maintaining this attitude in the New Year, I plan to be kinder to myself. I'm intensely hard on myself and it's time to cut me some slack. Everyday, I'm doing the best I can – and that's enough.

This is a big one. In therapy this year, and more recently, I've learned that I need to establish some clear boundaries when it comes to individuals who trigger my anxiety. Whether that be family or friends, I need to distance myself when my emotions aren't being respected or recognized. In the past, I've always felt compelled to please the people around me, but in going to therapy and growing into myself, I realize that there is no one to please but myself. If I spend all my time trying to make everyone else around me happy, I'll just be anxious and and have zero time for myself. 2017 is the year I remove myself from relationships that do not feed my soul and help me grow into the person I know I'm capable of becoming. 

  Over Christmas, I went to Big Sur with my dad. It was a spontaneous trip, but one I'll never forget. There's nothing quite like spending your a holiday with your favorite person in the world. All we did was hang out, read, walk among the trees, and eat. It. Was. Glorious. While we were there, we explored Carmel, an adorable little town nearby and of course, I was drawn into a writing shop where they sold gorgeous leather bound journals. My dad decided to get me a Christmas present, so now I own one of those treasures. I christened it my travel journal of 2017, starting with our trip to Big Sur. I plan to fill up that journal with many memorable moments and adventures this year.

This one isn't quite as romantic, but it's necessary. I've never been very skilled at cooking (I burned soup once. Seriously.) At my previous job, we had free lunch everyday (boy, do I miss that) and now at my new job, that's not the case. However, I see it as a blessing in disguise because this is how I will learn to cook better. For the New Year, I ordered my first Blue Apron, and I'm excited, but also slightly nervous, to begin this challenge into the culinary world. I guess I gotta grow up at some point....although, I will always consider a quesadilla and avocados a balanced meal.


Welp, those are my goals for 2017. What are yours? Share them with me in the comments!

5 Thanksgiving Episodes That Might Just Be Better Than Pie

It's around that time again when you're forced to be around family who asks you all the personal questions that make you want to drink a cornucopia of beer. But hey, at least you can go home and watch these hilarious Thanksgiving-themed TV episodes to unwind and forget that your Uncle Larry voted for Trump.

 Gilmore Girls - "A Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving" 

It's Thanksgiving and Lorelai and Rory promised they would go to four different dinners. Think of the all the stuffing. Their plan: skip the rolls. Not only is this is a warm and fuzzy episode to watch for the holiday, it's almost an impressive amount of food to eat in one day. Also, for the Gilmore Girls fans out there, this is a cute episode to watch because it's still the beginnings of the Rory/ Jess saga. I've always been Team Jess myself, even though he skulked off to California when he failed out of school. Essentially he's a wannabe Kerouac, but I digress.

If you're a fan of fast talking and food comas, this is your go-to Thanksgiving episode.

How I Met Your Mother - "Slapsgiving" 

While the whole will they, won't they with Ted and Robin constantly infuriates me, I enjoyed this episode purely for the scenes with Marshall and Barney's slap bet. In a previous episode entitled Slap Bet, Marshall and Barney make a bet where the loser gets five slaps to use over the period of a lifetime, and sadly Barney lost. Throughout the episode, Marshall taunts Barney with a slap countdown and although the permission to slap is revoked by Lily at a certain point, she taps him back in at the very end resulting in a hilarious outcome. The final scene ends on a touching note, with all of the friends experiencing their first official Thanksgiving as friends in the big city. Makes you appreciate your close friends, even if they look forward to causing you bodily harm.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - "Pangs" 

Buffy has some great seasonal episodes, particularly Christmas and Halloween themed, and Pangs is actually the only Thanksgiving episode. I especially love the scenes with Spike in this episode. He is newly implanted with the chip from the Initiative, which makes him a completely useless vampire. This Thanksgiving episode deals directly with the unspoken of issue during this holiday: the oppression of the Native American culture. The ghost of a vengeful Native American spirit haunts the gang, giving Xander syphilis (I mean, who else would get it really), and turning a Chumash warrior into a gigantic bear, to which Spike yells, "A bear! You made a bear!" Best line. For more ins and outs of this specific episode, check out this Buzzfeed article.


When the Scooby gang finally sits down to Thanksgiving dinner, the table is littered with arrows from the fight. Typical Buffy style.

Friends - "The One with Rachel's Other Sister" 

 I'm probably biased for this one because Friends is my favorite show, but you can't deny that they kind of take the cake for Thanksgiving episodes. There are so many great ones to choose from, but I would have to say this particular one is in my top two (the other one is mentioned below, hah).

Rachel's sister, Amy, makes her first appearance on the show (played by Christina Applegate). When she isn't offending just about every person at the dinner, she's fighting with Rachel because they didn't let her have Emma when she hypothetically died. All the while, Monica and Chandler are arguing over whether to use the good china for Thanksgiving (that does not work out in Chandler's favor), and Phoebe teaches Joey how to get away with a good white lie. It's a doozy of an episode and I recommend giving it a watch with some pumpkin at the end of your dinner.

Friends - "The One with All the Thanksgivings" 

 

I love this Thanksgiving episode because it's essentially a montage of all of the friends' worst Thanksgivings. For Joey's story we are transported back to 1992 when he gets his head stuck in a turkey (do not ask me how he pulled that off) but it's Monica's story that wins in the end. Back in their college years, Ross brings Chandler over for Thanksgiving dinner. Rachel and Monica are still in high school, with Ross still slobbering all over Rachel and Monica in tow behind her. Chandler stupidly makes a fat joke about Monica and she hears it, resulting in her drastic weight loss the next year. In an attempt to get back at him, she ends up severely damaging his toe.

Since Monica and Chandler are secretly dating in this episode, they both feel pretty awful knowing each others worst Thanksgivings, so Monica ends up (somehow) getting a turkey on her head and shimmying for Chandler. This results in Chandler blurting out, "I love you," which hilariously has Monica freaking out with a turkey still on her head. It's a classic scene, so romantic and genuinely funny.

Sidenote: My personal favorite "worst Thanksgiving" story is Phoebe's, which has us traveling back to the Civil War era with the blonde hippy as a nurse mending soldier's wounds, naturally.



Well there you have it. Those are my personal favorite TV Thanksgiving episodes. Did you have a favorite that's not on my list? Tell me about it in the comments!

Rambling Reads | The Martian

So, the time finally came for my monthly book club, Books and Babes, tonight and I was completely prepared. (Just kidding - I literally finished the last page of the book five minutes before the first person showed up). 

But procrastination aside, July's book was The Martian by Andy Weir and I seriously enjoyed it. I won't lie, it was difficult getting into the story in the very beginning (with all the NASA jargon - like I'm still not 100% on what a MAV is) but once I became more acquainted with Mark Watney and his insane journey through Mars, I was hooked. 

The gripping, desolate narrative tells the story of Mark Watney, an astronaut who becomes injured while on Mars, and thought to be dead. It turns out he was alive, and left completely alone on another planet. Weir writes the story with Watney's daily Sol logs to guide you, as well as brief intervals on Earth and the Hermes spaceship with the original crew. I liked the style of the narrative, it allowed the reader to develop a relationship with the main character, and boy did I. 

Mark Watney's humor is unparalleled in this novel. I found it impressive that the main character was still able to keep his great sense of humor in the midst of utter loneliness and quite possibly death. My favorite one-liner from Mark includes a moment from a scene where he super glues his hand to his helmet and then immediately tells the reader, "Stop laughing." It was that engagement with the reader that really drew me in. I found myself waiting for those hilarious little bursts of comedy. 

I won't ruin the ending for all you fine folks, but it definitely kept me on the edge of my seat. Reading The Martian was a great experience for me because it's a book I honestly might not have read on my own. I've never really been drawn to science fiction before, so I'm glad I created this book club to experience new genres and go on all different kinds of adventures through reading! PSA: Host a book club. You get to read awesome books, plus there's usually chips and guac. 

So what are you waiting for? Walk...no, run. Wait, what am I thinking, just jump in your rover and head to the bookstore for your copy of The Martian! If you're a science fiction fan, or love a great adventure in space, check this book out. 

Have you read The Martian? What did you think of it? Tell me your thoughts on the book in the comments!

The Art of Saying No | As Told By A Ginger With Anxiety

I've always been a people pleaser. From a young age, I had a lot of anxiety when it came to any kind of confrontation, having to disagree or say no to someone or something. Since beginning therapy, my therapist told me something that has continued to stick with me: Erica, you're an adult. You do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or anxious, regardless of the circumstances. 

Therapy has taught me many things, but one of the most inspirational lessons has been the art of saying no. I've learned that not only is it okay to say no, sometimes it's the right choice for you. Here are some new mantras I've learned in the art of saying no.

This is something I've always had trouble with. When you're a people pleaser, sticking up for yourself becomes difficult. You come across the anxiety of making others angry, and for me: having others not like you. I've always had a good deal of anxiety when it comes to how others see me, and the act of sticking up for myself directly affects that. It's so important to know when you're being disrespected and protect yourself, rather than let a situation build and build until it either explodes, or ruins a relationship. Yes, sticking up for yourself could ultimately ruin a relationship anyway, but if someone has a problem with you protecting yourself, they weren't a good friend to begin with. 

Realize that you do not have to put up with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or uneasy. Anxiety affects everyone differently, and people who have more serious bouts can feel anxious for smaller things and that can be hard to understand for people who aren't in the same mind frame. If you find yourself becoming anxious or uncomfortable more often than not, it's time to assess the situation and know you deserve better, and more understanding. 

This is probably the toughest lesson I've had to learn. More recently, I've found it easier to stick up for myself or remove certain people from my life who aren't treating me respectfully, but the tricky part is moving on from it. With my anxiety, it becomes a struggle to fully move on once I've made the decision to say no to a relationship. I'll take obsessive negative thoughts for 200, Alex. However, with therapy I'm learning healthier ways to remove myself from uncomfortable situations. I would rather have less friends and a more positive outlook on life, than be surrounded by negative people who don't treat me with compassion and understanding. 

How have you learned to say no in your life? Tell me your story! 

Rambling Reads | Dream Jumper

On Friday night, I happened upon the most magical experience. My friend Kelly (who is the biggest badass when it comes to any form of literature) invited me to come to this event at her bookstore, so I went to check it out. Turns out, it was the coolest thing.

Greg Grunberg and Lucas Turnbloom were there talking about their shiny, new graphic novel: Dream Jumper. When I heard them discussing it, I was immediately intrigued. I shopped around the store for awhile afterwards, convincing myself to buy this new graphic novel, and get it signed by the two guys. When my friend and I went up to get our books signed, it was so much fun. Grunberg and Turnbloom are the sweetest, most engaging people and it's so apparent how much they care about kids sitting down and reading for pleasure.

   

So, here we go. Let's take a dive into Dream Jumper. 

Dream Jumper tells the story of Ben, a young boy with a special gift. He can jump into other people's dreams. Although the idea does terrify me, the premise is very fresh and I was pleased to see a book with a unique plot, rather than a play off something already written.

Ben's best friend, Jake, is a great character. He's the comical relief in moments of drama, and I just love how he's constantly trying to market Ben's gift, wanting him to see new wireframes for the website and brainstorming different names for his business of saving people from their own nightmares. He's a hoot.

I don't want to spoil anything for the folks who want to read this, but I will say that it's got some great twists and I have my theories for the next book, based on how the novel ended.

Probably one of my favorite things about this graphic novel was that it teaches young kids they have the power to fight their own nightmares. When I was younger, I constantly battled nightmares and would even wake up crying in the middle of the night with my mom running into my bedroom, scared out of her wits. It's an important lesson to learn that part of growing up means fighting our own battles - including nightmares.

Ben's fight with Erebus, the gigantic dream monster named after a Greek god who lived in the deep shadows of the Underworld, is a true test of his courage. Erebus takes your deepest fears and uses them against you, and in this case, Ben's biggest fear is himself. It was refreshing to see such deep themes in a children's graphic novel, and I felt proud of Ben for standing up to his fears of himself and "being nothing" with the help of his new friend, Lewis.

Lastly, the illustrations in this graphic novel are fantastic. For the fans of the Amulet series by Kazu Kibuishi, this is the graphic novel for you. I'm an uber fan of Amulet (I own the entire series) so when I opened this book, I fell into the story through the illustrations.

Well, there you have it. I finished this book in a little over two hours, because I literally couldn't put it down. I loved going on this adventure with Ben, and can't wait to see what the next volume entails!



Have you read Dream Jumper? If so, tell me your thoughts about the novel, I wanna hear em! 

3 New Things I Learned From Therapy

You heard me right, therapy. I've been pretty open about my recent adventures into therapy with family and friends because I think it's important to understand that it's okay to ask for help. There are plenty of people walking through life silently suffering from anxiety, depression, or some other mood or mental disorder that they don't have the skills or guidance available to control and all they need is a little help in the right direction.

My anxiety has been rough for me recently, but I decided enough is enough. I wasn't going to let it control me any longer, so I made the journey to therapy to better understand what makes my anxiety tick and how to maintain it. I've only had two sessions, but it feels like some of the weight of my stresses and anxieties have been lifted, merely because it's calming to have someone to talk to who isn't biased or always going to tell you what you want to hear.

So, here's what I've learned about myself from therapy so far.

One of the first things my therapist said to me when we had our initial meeting was how self aware I was. Until recently, I never truly thought of myself in that way. I always considered myself to be pretty naive, so it was refreshing to hear that from someone new. After hearing it though, I realize I really am aware. I'm very aware of what is triggering for my anxiety, and even though I may have irrational thoughts or bouts of slight panic attacks, I'm fully aware they are happening and what is causing them. Being self aware gives me the edge I need to help combat my anxiety, and it's reassuring to know that when I feel myself getting to a place that's obsessive or anxious, I can pause and write down what I'm feeling or take a moment to think, "Wait, what's really going on here?" There are several qualities I cherish about myself, but self awareness is key for me as of late. 

Now, I know a lot of people call themselves strong, and they have every right to, usually. My life hasn't been anything majorly tragic, but I've dealt with my share of life altering change and heartbreak. My parents splitting up was probably one of the more life altering changes in my life thus far. It not only forced me to break out of my sheltered view of the world, it fucking hurt. Newsflash: divorce really sucks. There's no way around it. But, what's really important is that I got through it. When I thought it wasn't even close to possible, I'm still standing (well technically sitting) here now. I came out on the other side of something I couldn't even picture going through. The same goes with heartbreak. Breakups are horrible. It's like someone rips out your beating heart and shows it to you while they are laughing uncontrollably. Too much? Probably, but it's a pain you never think you'll forget until you just do. One day you're just fine. You're fine, and you've learned from it. 

I am strong, and I'm capable of taking down my anxiety once and for all. Look out world, I have avocados. 

You may have noticed the pattern of these three topics starting out with "I am..." My therapist taught me a cool trick for when I get into my own head and start to overthink. Find a positive phrase to combat whatever negative thought or anxiety you are feeling right in that moment, and start it with, "I am.." Not only does this enforce a strong tone for your mind to hear, it plants you directly in that exact moment. You're not allowed to think about what's happening in a week, tomorrow, or even five minutes from now. I am at peace. I am okay. I am working on my anxiety. Repeat that enough and you may just start to believe it. 

I am a work in progress. With therapy, I'm very much realizing that I'm flawed but I'm making changes with the right attitude. You'll never change unless you want to, and it's so true. It's about taking the guidance provided and testing it out in real life to make room for the moments worth treasuring. That's what it's all about, folks. I would so rather spend my time and energy on remembering how much fun I had with my best friend on a trip to Utah, than wasting my mind away on things I'm not able to change or control. 

Everyday, I'm growing and learning more about my anxiety and myself. It's a scary, but also incredibly exciting, time and I can't wait to see the finished product. 

Do you have success stories with anxiety? I want to hear them! Share your story in the comments below.