5 Tips on Overcoming Relationship Anxiety

When you're an anxious person, dating can be a daunting task. Especially a new relationship. Within the first few months, there are several things that can cause your mind to race and your anxiety to spike.

How will we handle our first fight? 
What if they see how bad my anxiety is and leave? 
How will I get used to a new person's way of coping with emotion? 
What if they leave the bathroom door open and my dog gets into the trash? 
(Okay, that last one is just for me personally. My boyfriend will read this, you know what you do).

Having anxiety is hard enough – balancing that with being in a relationship is even harder. For me personally, it's been an amazing learning experience where I've even been taught some things I didn't know I needed. Here are some tips I've learned along the way in coupledom that will keep the anxiety at bay so you can focus on the important things like love, laughter and burritos.

Be clear about your plans 

With my anxiety, change can be difficult to manage. Particularly sudden changes in plans. It doesn't help when your boyfriend is not so good at the planning. What's the solution? Create a google calendar! It may seem weird, but hear me out. I've found that my anxiety is triggered or spikes when my boyfriend will suddenly spring a change in plans on me last minute. Creating a calendar solves that. My anxiety can't be triggered if I already know the plans for the weekend. As an added bonus, it gives my poorly planning partner more practice at actively writing out his schedule for the week. Two birds, one stone. 

Be patient & understanding 

Getting frustrated or angry never solves anything, especially when you’re dealing with anxiety. That can even lead to shame, which is never the result you want. If your partner is going through an anxiety attack, or even just a small episode, be understanding. Just be there with them in that moment and make them feel safe and heard. 

I’ll give you an example. One day, when my boyfriend and I were just hanging out, I went to walk my dog and saw that his allergies were kicking in and he had this gigantic bloody spot that he wouldn’t stop itching and the entire walk all I saw was that spot and by the time I got back to my place, I was in tears. My boyfriend asked what was wrong and I just started sobbing because one little thought morphed into several ANT’s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and I found myself apologizing over and over again, and instead of being confused, or telling me to “think happy thoughts,” he merely held me and said, “everything is okay, you’re okay” over and over again until I was just that: okay. With his immense patience and understanding, he brought my mind back into reality where everything was just fine, and I was able to battle the thoughts and move on. 

Replace "I'm Sorry" with "Thank you" 

This has been a more recent tip I’ve learned through my constant reading and research on mental health and wellness topics. I stumbled upon a Huffington Post article where the author replaced apologizing, in situations where she had done nothing wrong, with an attitude of gratitude. 

With my boyfriend (and honestly other people I’m close to in my life) I find myself apologizing when I’m anxious or think I’m not good enough, and when I’ll need to vent or just talk, he will make time to call me and ask what’s wrong and I have such a strong urge to immediately say, “I’m sorry for wasting your time,” or “I’m sorry you had to do that.” Instead of saying things like that, express gratitude. Say, “thank you for making time for me.” This not only gives your partner love and appreciation, it makes you more confident in your own voice and what you are feeling. 

Take Time To Self-Care 

When you’re in a new relationship and everything is beautiful and perfect and lovely, you’ll want to spend every second together. I felt that (and sometimes still feel it) with my current dude, but he has taught me that taking time to recharge is really important. Not just for a relationship – for yourself. 

Self-care is something that is necessary for anxiety sufferers, it’s how we bring ourselves back to reality from all the fear-based, negative thoughts that swarm our brains on a daily basis. Because of society expectations (which are usually unrealistic) I’ve always thought that in order to have a good relationship, you were together all the time every minute. But, that’s just not true. It took some adjusting with my anxiety, but when my boyfriend takes a few days to have his own time and space, it’s for him – it actually has nothing to do with me. That’s crucial to remember. Don’t personalize, I know that’s easy to fall into. This is where being clear and communicating your plans and feelings is also important. Because my partner is very good at communicating what he needs and why he does things, I don’t feel like it’s my fault or that he’s not wanting to hang out. Find someone who makes sure you understand that. 

It's important to note – make time for the other people in your life. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean your close friends and family stop wanting to be around you. Look forward to hosting that book club with the ladies, or going out for happy hour with your favorite coworkers. Your partner will still be around – I promise. It's healthy to have your own friends! 

Never Stop Learning From Each Other

This may sound cliche, but it’s so true. When I get out of a therapy session, there are three people I will call or text. My dad, my close friend, and my boyfriend. This is because I want to keep these specific people updated on my constant bouts with anxiety and to share with them the things I’ve learned that week or any realizations. Having a partner (whoever that may be) who is actively interested in knowing more about your anxiety and how to effectively make things better is what you want. 

Another example would be that I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and he asked me what I talked about in therapy that night (ps, you do not have to talk about it if you aren’t comfortable yet, I was) and I said, “are you sure you want to know?” to which he replied, “yeah because the more I know about it, the more I can understand what you go through.” Right there. That’s the kind of person you want in your life. 

Anxiety should not be the reason you can't be in a happy, healthy relationship – you are enough and you deserve happiness. 

Those are my five tips on dealing with relationship anxiety. How do you navigate anxiety within your relationship? 

New Year, More Growth // 2017 Goals

So, it's finally 2017. Some are calling it the year of Trump, or the start of The Hunger Games. Same thing. Personally, this year has started off with some amazing new changes for me. Not only did I make the leap into a new job where I'm writing full time (I'm a newly branded copywriter), but I've been blindsided by other unexpected, yet beautiful new developments.

I've never been one for making New Year's resolutions, because those tend to cause anxiety and trigger a sense of failure – and let's be honest, most are thinly veiled, so I would rather make some goals for the year. Some are things I will continue to conquer, like I do everyday, and some are brand new.

Last year, I made enormous strides with my anxiety. Starting last June, I made the decision to start attending therapy and it's been the greatest decision of my life to date. I was already slightly self-aware going in, but now it's like night and day. Even my therapist has noticed a significant change in the way I've been viewing myself and the situations around me, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I've gone from sobbing when my therapist looked me in the eye and told me, "you are good enough," to confidently telling her in a session that I deeply believe I'm worthy of happiness and love. It's been a seriously long journey, and there's no chance of me giving up now. I will always be a work in progress, but I can't wait to see where life and my new found confidence takes me.

I've received several different compliments this year from people close to me, and not so close to me, that I'm fearlessly myself, regardless of what situation or social setting I'm in. I've always prided myself on this fact, and not only do I plan to continue maintaining this attitude in the New Year, I plan to be kinder to myself. I'm intensely hard on myself and it's time to cut me some slack. Everyday, I'm doing the best I can – and that's enough.

This is a big one. In therapy this year, and more recently, I've learned that I need to establish some clear boundaries when it comes to individuals who trigger my anxiety. Whether that be family or friends, I need to distance myself when my emotions aren't being respected or recognized. In the past, I've always felt compelled to please the people around me, but in going to therapy and growing into myself, I realize that there is no one to please but myself. If I spend all my time trying to make everyone else around me happy, I'll just be anxious and and have zero time for myself. 2017 is the year I remove myself from relationships that do not feed my soul and help me grow into the person I know I'm capable of becoming. 

  Over Christmas, I went to Big Sur with my dad. It was a spontaneous trip, but one I'll never forget. There's nothing quite like spending your a holiday with your favorite person in the world. All we did was hang out, read, walk among the trees, and eat. It. Was. Glorious. While we were there, we explored Carmel, an adorable little town nearby and of course, I was drawn into a writing shop where they sold gorgeous leather bound journals. My dad decided to get me a Christmas present, so now I own one of those treasures. I christened it my travel journal of 2017, starting with our trip to Big Sur. I plan to fill up that journal with many memorable moments and adventures this year.

This one isn't quite as romantic, but it's necessary. I've never been very skilled at cooking (I burned soup once. Seriously.) At my previous job, we had free lunch everyday (boy, do I miss that) and now at my new job, that's not the case. However, I see it as a blessing in disguise because this is how I will learn to cook better. For the New Year, I ordered my first Blue Apron, and I'm excited, but also slightly nervous, to begin this challenge into the culinary world. I guess I gotta grow up at some point....although, I will always consider a quesadilla and avocados a balanced meal.


Welp, those are my goals for 2017. What are yours? Share them with me in the comments!