When you're an anxious person, dating can be a daunting task. Especially a new relationship. Within the first few months, there are several things that can cause your mind to race and your anxiety to spike.
How will we handle our first fight?
What if they see how bad my anxiety is and leave?
How will I get used to a new person's way of coping with emotion?
What if they leave the bathroom door open and my dog gets into the trash?
(Okay, that last one is just for me personally. My boyfriend will read this, you know what you do).
Having anxiety is hard enough – balancing that with being in a relationship is even harder. For me personally, it's been an amazing learning experience where I've even been taught some things I didn't know I needed. Here are some tips I've learned along the way in coupledom that will keep the anxiety at bay so you can focus on the important things like love, laughter and burritos.
Be clear about your plans
With my anxiety, change can be difficult to manage. Particularly sudden changes in plans. It doesn't help when your boyfriend is not so good at the planning. What's the solution? Create a google calendar! It may seem weird, but hear me out. I've found that my anxiety is triggered or spikes when my boyfriend will suddenly spring a change in plans on me last minute. Creating a calendar solves that. My anxiety can't be triggered if I already know the plans for the weekend. As an added bonus, it gives my poorly planning partner more practice at actively writing out his schedule for the week. Two birds, one stone.
Be patient & understanding
Getting frustrated or angry never solves anything, especially when you’re dealing with anxiety. That can even lead to shame, which is never the result you want. If your partner is going through an anxiety attack, or even just a small episode, be understanding. Just be there with them in that moment and make them feel safe and heard.
I’ll give you an example. One day, when my boyfriend and I were just hanging out, I went to walk my dog and saw that his allergies were kicking in and he had this gigantic bloody spot that he wouldn’t stop itching and the entire walk all I saw was that spot and by the time I got back to my place, I was in tears. My boyfriend asked what was wrong and I just started sobbing because one little thought morphed into several ANT’s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and I found myself apologizing over and over again, and instead of being confused, or telling me to “think happy thoughts,” he merely held me and said, “everything is okay, you’re okay” over and over again until I was just that: okay. With his immense patience and understanding, he brought my mind back into reality where everything was just fine, and I was able to battle the thoughts and move on.
Replace "I'm Sorry" with "Thank you"
This has been a more recent tip I’ve learned through my constant reading and research on mental health and wellness topics. I stumbled upon a Huffington Post article where the author replaced apologizing, in situations where she had done nothing wrong, with an attitude of gratitude.
With my boyfriend (and honestly other people I’m close to in my life) I find myself apologizing when I’m anxious or think I’m not good enough, and when I’ll need to vent or just talk, he will make time to call me and ask what’s wrong and I have such a strong urge to immediately say, “I’m sorry for wasting your time,” or “I’m sorry you had to do that.” Instead of saying things like that, express gratitude. Say, “thank you for making time for me.” This not only gives your partner love and appreciation, it makes you more confident in your own voice and what you are feeling.
Take Time To Self-Care
When you’re in a new relationship and everything is beautiful and perfect and lovely, you’ll want to spend every second together. I felt that (and sometimes still feel it) with my current dude, but he has taught me that taking time to recharge is really important. Not just for a relationship – for yourself.
Self-care is something that is necessary for anxiety sufferers, it’s how we bring ourselves back to reality from all the fear-based, negative thoughts that swarm our brains on a daily basis. Because of society expectations (which are usually unrealistic) I’ve always thought that in order to have a good relationship, you were together all the time every minute. But, that’s just not true. It took some adjusting with my anxiety, but when my boyfriend takes a few days to have his own time and space, it’s for him – it actually has nothing to do with me. That’s crucial to remember. Don’t personalize, I know that’s easy to fall into. This is where being clear and communicating your plans and feelings is also important. Because my partner is very good at communicating what he needs and why he does things, I don’t feel like it’s my fault or that he’s not wanting to hang out. Find someone who makes sure you understand that.
It's important to note – make time for the other people in your life. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean your close friends and family stop wanting to be around you. Look forward to hosting that book club with the ladies, or going out for happy hour with your favorite coworkers. Your partner will still be around – I promise. It's healthy to have your own friends!
Never Stop Learning From Each Other
Another example would be that I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and he asked me what I talked about in therapy that night (ps, you do not have to talk about it if you aren’t comfortable yet, I was) and I said, “are you sure you want to know?” to which he replied, “yeah because the more I know about it, the more I can understand what you go through.” Right there. That’s the kind of person you want in your life.
Anxiety should not be the reason you can't be in a happy, healthy relationship – you are enough and you deserve happiness.
Those are my five tips on dealing with relationship anxiety. How do you navigate anxiety within your relationship?
