The Art of Saying No | As Told By A Ginger With Anxiety

I've always been a people pleaser. From a young age, I had a lot of anxiety when it came to any kind of confrontation, having to disagree or say no to someone or something. Since beginning therapy, my therapist told me something that has continued to stick with me: Erica, you're an adult. You do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or anxious, regardless of the circumstances. 

Therapy has taught me many things, but one of the most inspirational lessons has been the art of saying no. I've learned that not only is it okay to say no, sometimes it's the right choice for you. Here are some new mantras I've learned in the art of saying no.

This is something I've always had trouble with. When you're a people pleaser, sticking up for yourself becomes difficult. You come across the anxiety of making others angry, and for me: having others not like you. I've always had a good deal of anxiety when it comes to how others see me, and the act of sticking up for myself directly affects that. It's so important to know when you're being disrespected and protect yourself, rather than let a situation build and build until it either explodes, or ruins a relationship. Yes, sticking up for yourself could ultimately ruin a relationship anyway, but if someone has a problem with you protecting yourself, they weren't a good friend to begin with. 

Realize that you do not have to put up with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or uneasy. Anxiety affects everyone differently, and people who have more serious bouts can feel anxious for smaller things and that can be hard to understand for people who aren't in the same mind frame. If you find yourself becoming anxious or uncomfortable more often than not, it's time to assess the situation and know you deserve better, and more understanding. 

This is probably the toughest lesson I've had to learn. More recently, I've found it easier to stick up for myself or remove certain people from my life who aren't treating me respectfully, but the tricky part is moving on from it. With my anxiety, it becomes a struggle to fully move on once I've made the decision to say no to a relationship. I'll take obsessive negative thoughts for 200, Alex. However, with therapy I'm learning healthier ways to remove myself from uncomfortable situations. I would rather have less friends and a more positive outlook on life, than be surrounded by negative people who don't treat me with compassion and understanding. 

How have you learned to say no in your life? Tell me your story! 

Rambling Reads | Dream Jumper

On Friday night, I happened upon the most magical experience. My friend Kelly (who is the biggest badass when it comes to any form of literature) invited me to come to this event at her bookstore, so I went to check it out. Turns out, it was the coolest thing.

Greg Grunberg and Lucas Turnbloom were there talking about their shiny, new graphic novel: Dream Jumper. When I heard them discussing it, I was immediately intrigued. I shopped around the store for awhile afterwards, convincing myself to buy this new graphic novel, and get it signed by the two guys. When my friend and I went up to get our books signed, it was so much fun. Grunberg and Turnbloom are the sweetest, most engaging people and it's so apparent how much they care about kids sitting down and reading for pleasure.

   

So, here we go. Let's take a dive into Dream Jumper. 

Dream Jumper tells the story of Ben, a young boy with a special gift. He can jump into other people's dreams. Although the idea does terrify me, the premise is very fresh and I was pleased to see a book with a unique plot, rather than a play off something already written.

Ben's best friend, Jake, is a great character. He's the comical relief in moments of drama, and I just love how he's constantly trying to market Ben's gift, wanting him to see new wireframes for the website and brainstorming different names for his business of saving people from their own nightmares. He's a hoot.

I don't want to spoil anything for the folks who want to read this, but I will say that it's got some great twists and I have my theories for the next book, based on how the novel ended.

Probably one of my favorite things about this graphic novel was that it teaches young kids they have the power to fight their own nightmares. When I was younger, I constantly battled nightmares and would even wake up crying in the middle of the night with my mom running into my bedroom, scared out of her wits. It's an important lesson to learn that part of growing up means fighting our own battles - including nightmares.

Ben's fight with Erebus, the gigantic dream monster named after a Greek god who lived in the deep shadows of the Underworld, is a true test of his courage. Erebus takes your deepest fears and uses them against you, and in this case, Ben's biggest fear is himself. It was refreshing to see such deep themes in a children's graphic novel, and I felt proud of Ben for standing up to his fears of himself and "being nothing" with the help of his new friend, Lewis.

Lastly, the illustrations in this graphic novel are fantastic. For the fans of the Amulet series by Kazu Kibuishi, this is the graphic novel for you. I'm an uber fan of Amulet (I own the entire series) so when I opened this book, I fell into the story through the illustrations.

Well, there you have it. I finished this book in a little over two hours, because I literally couldn't put it down. I loved going on this adventure with Ben, and can't wait to see what the next volume entails!



Have you read Dream Jumper? If so, tell me your thoughts about the novel, I wanna hear em! 

3 New Things I Learned From Therapy

You heard me right, therapy. I've been pretty open about my recent adventures into therapy with family and friends because I think it's important to understand that it's okay to ask for help. There are plenty of people walking through life silently suffering from anxiety, depression, or some other mood or mental disorder that they don't have the skills or guidance available to control and all they need is a little help in the right direction.

My anxiety has been rough for me recently, but I decided enough is enough. I wasn't going to let it control me any longer, so I made the journey to therapy to better understand what makes my anxiety tick and how to maintain it. I've only had two sessions, but it feels like some of the weight of my stresses and anxieties have been lifted, merely because it's calming to have someone to talk to who isn't biased or always going to tell you what you want to hear.

So, here's what I've learned about myself from therapy so far.

One of the first things my therapist said to me when we had our initial meeting was how self aware I was. Until recently, I never truly thought of myself in that way. I always considered myself to be pretty naive, so it was refreshing to hear that from someone new. After hearing it though, I realize I really am aware. I'm very aware of what is triggering for my anxiety, and even though I may have irrational thoughts or bouts of slight panic attacks, I'm fully aware they are happening and what is causing them. Being self aware gives me the edge I need to help combat my anxiety, and it's reassuring to know that when I feel myself getting to a place that's obsessive or anxious, I can pause and write down what I'm feeling or take a moment to think, "Wait, what's really going on here?" There are several qualities I cherish about myself, but self awareness is key for me as of late. 

Now, I know a lot of people call themselves strong, and they have every right to, usually. My life hasn't been anything majorly tragic, but I've dealt with my share of life altering change and heartbreak. My parents splitting up was probably one of the more life altering changes in my life thus far. It not only forced me to break out of my sheltered view of the world, it fucking hurt. Newsflash: divorce really sucks. There's no way around it. But, what's really important is that I got through it. When I thought it wasn't even close to possible, I'm still standing (well technically sitting) here now. I came out on the other side of something I couldn't even picture going through. The same goes with heartbreak. Breakups are horrible. It's like someone rips out your beating heart and shows it to you while they are laughing uncontrollably. Too much? Probably, but it's a pain you never think you'll forget until you just do. One day you're just fine. You're fine, and you've learned from it. 

I am strong, and I'm capable of taking down my anxiety once and for all. Look out world, I have avocados. 

You may have noticed the pattern of these three topics starting out with "I am..." My therapist taught me a cool trick for when I get into my own head and start to overthink. Find a positive phrase to combat whatever negative thought or anxiety you are feeling right in that moment, and start it with, "I am.." Not only does this enforce a strong tone for your mind to hear, it plants you directly in that exact moment. You're not allowed to think about what's happening in a week, tomorrow, or even five minutes from now. I am at peace. I am okay. I am working on my anxiety. Repeat that enough and you may just start to believe it. 

I am a work in progress. With therapy, I'm very much realizing that I'm flawed but I'm making changes with the right attitude. You'll never change unless you want to, and it's so true. It's about taking the guidance provided and testing it out in real life to make room for the moments worth treasuring. That's what it's all about, folks. I would so rather spend my time and energy on remembering how much fun I had with my best friend on a trip to Utah, than wasting my mind away on things I'm not able to change or control. 

Everyday, I'm growing and learning more about my anxiety and myself. It's a scary, but also incredibly exciting, time and I can't wait to see the finished product. 

Do you have success stories with anxiety? I want to hear them! Share your story in the comments below. 

Rambling Reads | The Girl on the Train

It's been awhile since I've posted a book review, and silly me: I started my own book club! Since I've always wanted to be a part of a book club (wine, snacks, good friends, and discussing books, what's not to love?) I decided to host my own!

Books and Babes is a book club dedicated to badass women who enjoy discussing and reading books. I thought it would be fun to make the club female-oriented, so we choose only books written by female authors. So far, we've read three books and I'm disgustingly behind on reviewing them for this blog. Life, work, and my dogson constantly demand my attention, I apologize. However, that will change because here is my review of our very first book club novel, The Girl on the Train. 

The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins was an experience. Even though it was our January book club novel, I still remember the narrative like it was yesterday. Everyone who read the book in our club was fully immersed into the world of the three women we meet: Rachel, Anna, and Megan.

Our main protagonist is Rachel. Right off the bat, we learn she's a recently unemployed alcoholic recovering from a brutal divorce. As a reader, her drunken stupor throughout the novel forces you to find her a potentially unreliable narrator, which keeps things interesting, for sure. We go on to learn that she takes the same exact train route to and from work, even though she was fired from her job. Taking that same route gives her a sense of comfort. On that route, she lives vicariously through a couple she sees from outside her train window, who she's adoringly named Jess and Jason. They are the couple she aspired to, but we soon learn they are actually Megan and Scott: and they aren't the perfect couple, not at all.

The second voice we become acquainted with is Megan Hipwell, the woman living what Rachel believes her fantasy to be. As it turns out, Megan's life is pretty chaotic. I won't spoil things for you though.

Our last narrator is Anna, the shiny new wife of Rachel's ex-husband, Tom. Initially, I found her to be fake and overwhelmingly aggressive when it came to Rachel in Tom's life, but as you journey through each of these women's lives, you start to see the full picture that is Anna.

This book is a real page turner, and takes several different twists and turns. It certainly didn't turn out the way I thought it would, and I was really pleased with that. Also, I really enjoyed all the different themes surrounding the novel such as gender culture/norms, addiction, friendship, marriage, and sexuality.

If you're a fan of crime thrillers with some deep themes, this is the right book for you!

Fun fact: They are officially making this book a movie! The fantastic Emily Blunt will be playing the main character of Rachel, and I'm beyond stoked to see how the adaptation plays out in theaters.

Have you read The Girl on the Train? Let me know your thoughts on the novel in the comments below! 

4 Things I Learned From My Papu

While driving home from work today, my dad called me and I was half listening to him on my car phone (I was partially thinking about finally getting to take my dog for a walk because it's now light enough when I get out of work) but then suddenly he told me he was having a martini to celebrate my papu and it hit me. Today is the anniversary of his death. It's been two years since he left us, and while everything feels different, my love for him has remained the same. 

So, I decided to honor him in the best way I know how. These are just a few things I learned from my papu. 

Always tell stories

I truly believe I inherited my love for storytelling from my papu. He always lived to tell a good story when our entire family was together. Not only did he love the attention, he loved the journey of a story. I could see it in his face when he was telling it. His eyes would light up, and his hands would wave around once he got really into it. I lived to watch him talk and appreciated a real value for history through him, and learned about my Greek lineage because of him. Our family has an unique personality, and my papu was the heart and soul of it. 

Love, love, love 

Although he didn't always show it to our whole family, it was clear who he loved. He admired my yaya unconditionally. Whenever our family would be all together, it definitely got loud. In the middle of it all, he would stop, look at her, and say, "my koukla," which in Greek means, "my doll" or "my gorgeous." Then, like clockwork, my yaya would give him a quick smile, then immediately yell at him to stop it in Greek and life would go back to being too loud. I caught these moments several times in my childhood, and I don't think I ever truly appreciated them until now. When you're young, you only see love in others, because you haven't experienced it yourself. Being in my mid-20's, I've experienced versions of love and now truly understand how much he loved her. I hope to one day have someone look at me like that and call me gorgeous, even when I'm in my 70's. 

My papu also loved his children, and grandchildren, fiercely. My relationship with him may have been later in his life, but he was one of my favorite people because I never wondered if he loved me. I just knew. He showed me every time he got worked up reading a story I wrote, or when he would tell me all about growing up in Hell's Kitchen while he cooked me orzo and lamb. 

Live with passion 

Every Christmas, papu never asked for anything from any of his grandchildren, just to see them and talk to them. Papu always had a passion for writing himself, so when it came to me, he would ask me to print out everything I wrote that year and put it together as a book so he could read it. He taught me to never give up on my passion for writing, and always made me feel like I was working towards something. Like I mentioned in my previous post about my New Year's goals, it's because of this support from him that I'm planning to write a children's book in his honor. I have big plans, papu. I wish you were here to see them, and to read what I've written. 

Stay young at heart

"Don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth, to be young at heart." Papu always immortalized Frank Sinatra, and "Young At Heart" will always be my go-to song when I want to think of him. While he could be a very serious man, I got the rare treat of seeing his silly side. I will treasure those memories forever, and it will constantly remind me to stay young at heart. Being serious has its time and place, but if you don't stop and let the nonsense in, you aren't truly appreciating life. That's what I learned from my papu, take it or leave it. 

Like in most Greek families, our papu was a gigantic part of the family. So losing him was devastating, but we hold onto our moments with him and he taught every person in my family a different lesson that will guide them for years to come. 

Do you have a grandparent who taught you some great lessons in life? I want to hear about it! Share your story in the comments. 

My 3 New Year's Goals

Since this year is drawing to a close, I figured I would write a post about my goals for 2016. Everyone talks about their resolutions for a new year, but I find that term to be too easily forgotten. I think calling them goals makes for a definite result.

2015 has been a year of ups and downs for me, and I learned a lot (blog post possibly to come about my lessons from this year) and decided that I have three definitive goals for the coming year. Here they are.

Pst, yes that's me. This is from a NYE photoshoot at my work :) 

I recently came up with this goal in the last few weeks, and I think it encompasses my entire life. Towards the end of this year, I found myself becoming more bold than I had normally been and having it completely pay off in the end. A great example is my new job. My previous job wasn't challenging me at all, so I made the decision to start looking for a new one, and boy was that a fun time. It took me close to three months, but I finally found the perfect fit. I not only had a phone interview, I went to a career fair with the company, had another phone interview, a two and a half hour interview with top executives, and then they offered me the job. All of that could not have been possible if I wasn't bold in my desire for a new job. And let me tell you, it so paid off because I am madly in love with my new position. 

Being bold doesn't just apply to the job department though. In 2016, I want to be more bold in my relationships, which means not waiting, but just going for it if I feel it's right, in any relationship capacity. No fear. I need a little more spontaneity in my life. 

This second goal is something near and dear to my heart. My papu, Marx, passed away in March of 2014 and, while I had always planned to write something for him, his passing has made the desire even greater. In 2016, I will force myself to sit down at least a half hour a day and focus on the outline and writing of a children's book in his memory. 

I have the basic outline written down, I just need to hunker down and write it out. I also spoke with the graphic designer at my work and he sounded interested in drawing the illustrations for it, so that has me motivated to get started. I cannot wait to see what it turns out to be. I would love to go further into the plot of the book, but I've decided to wait until I've fleshed out the narrative more before I write anything on this blog. Stay tuned :) 

This is a big one for me. Lately, I've had pretty intense anxiety. Whether it's about a certain situation in my life, or just a small event, I tend to let myself get sucked into a black hole of worry and obsession. While this will be the hardest goal on my list, I truly need it the most. 

Anxiety is a beast, and sometimes it just needs the right method for relief. I have found certain ways to calm it, whether it's coloring, reading, writing, or taking my dog for a walk, but it always comes back. I find myself taking situations that don't necessarily have to be devastating, and twisting them in my mind until they are life-altering to me. It's completely irrational, and a part of me knows this, but it still feels so real. To someone who doesn't really experience this kind of anxiety, it's difficult to explain, but let's just say it's not a picnic. In 2016, I've decided to find a more effective way to calm my anxiety. Whether that means trying to talk to a therapist, or taking weekly yoga to ease my mind, or both. I need to put a pause on my mind and realize that there is so much to be grateful for in life, rather than constantly worry about. I have a lot going for me right now, so might as well be aware of it. 

Well, those are my New Year's goals, what are yours? 

Rambling Reads | Beautiful You

Over Thanksgiving break, I went on a magical journey to New York to visit my cousins, and for the eight hour plane ride (both ways) I ended up finishing the latest Chuck Palahniuk novel, Beautiful You. Here are my thoughts.

Palahniuk starts off this novel with a horrifying courtroom rape scene. I won't lie to you, I almost couldn't get through it, but I forced myself to push past those first few pages and I'm glad I did. All of Palahniuk's novels come with a specially-packaged message on society. Fight Club centered around materialism, Invisible Monsters focused on society's curse of unattainable beauty, and Survivor serves up a steaming pile of knowledge surrounding depression and cults.

In Beautiful You, sex and gender are the two main themes. Warning: This book is not for the faint of heart, or reader who's uncomfortable reading about sex, because dear god there is a lot of it. The main character, Penny Harrigan, is introduced as a normal, slightly boring twenty-something living in New York. This wannabe lawyer never truly pushed the boundaries of sex and eroticism, but all that changes when she meets C. Linus Maxwell, or as he likes to call himself, "Climax-Well." He is fascinated by her, and is constantly described as taking tedious notes in his little notebook, jotting down her every response and movement.

Once Penny and Maxwell begin their torrid affair, things take a turn for the experimental. Maxwell begins to test out hundreds of different sex toys on Penny, bringing her sexual experience to a whole other level. While it's a wild ride for Penny, she eventually yearns for any sense of love from Maxwell, but it's clear he's not capable of it.

Penny soon begins to realize she is part of something much larger than just experimenting with Maxwell, the highly attractive nerd. It turns out that Maxwell is using Penny as his last test subject for his line of feminine sex toys called Beautiful You. Once their relationship comes to an end, he releases the line and that's when the shit hits the fan. Penny watches as all the women of the world become consumed with desire for these glorious sex toys. She, and quite honestly the reader, becomes conflicted with the idea that women should have the complete right and feel empowered by pleasuring themselves and exploring their sexuality, and the evil plot Maxwell has for these women.

This book is full of twists and turns, like a regular Palahniuk, so I won't spoil them for you. Let's just say that it's a doozy. Personally, I found Beautiful You to be an extremely empowering novel for women. The narrative centered around the idea that women control most of society's capitalism and, with the help of sex toys, can become more powerful than the opposite sex. While it takes ideas about gender and sex to the extreme, Palahniuk gets straight to the point that masturbation involving women is still regarded as a taboo subject in our society, which I believe is why he goes entirely over the top with his descriptions of sexual encounters throughout the book. His purpose is to make you uncomfortable, and he does his job.

Lastly, my favorite part of the book was at the very end. Penny has conquered Maxwell and is able to control her own body, rather than have Maxwell controlling her. Feeling unsatisfied after the end of Beautiful You sex toys, Penny decides to use the last stimulator to give all women a complete sense of self worth and empowerment. She gives them the gift of appreciation for their own bodies. It was a wonderful moment to read for women, especially coming from a male author. Palahniuk successfully writes in the tone of a female, and champions for all women and their ability to love themselves.

Okay, so I might be slightly biased when it comes to Chuck, but I would suggest giving this book a read, if you are comfortable with reading about a good deal of sex. If not, I wouldn't really suggest any of Palahniuk's novels, honestly.

Have you read Beautiful You? What did you think? Tell me in the comments below!